What not to ask Voldemort
by mimbulus-mimbletonia
Summary: Has he ever taken a bath? Is uglyness a chronic illness in his family? Why the heck wasn't he sorted into Gryffindor? A list of humourous things of what NOT to ask Voldemort! Constantly Updated!
1. What Not To Ask Voldemort

I didnt come up with the idea, so toodles to whoever that person is, however, this is an ever-growing list. If you submit suggestions in reviews, I'll add them!!! Thanks Everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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**What not to ask Voldemort**

Did you ever have a girlfriend? Ever

How does the song "I will survive" again go?

Did you seek counselling yet?

Marvolo? Is that a dish-washing liquid?

Why VOLDEMORT?

Do you love Harry potter?

Are you a mudblood?

How come Harry potter has a cool scar and you don't?

Why did Harry potter win and you didn't?

Where is your cool scar which will make me respect you?

Why couldn't the dark mark have more pizzazz?

Did you take your medication yet?

Are you Harry Potter?

Why Quirrell the arrogant poof, I mean really?

When was the last time you took a bath?

Are you lonely?

Can I tattoo you?

Did your mum die because she saw your face?

Do you always wear such an ugly mask?

How come Harry's powers are more powerful that yours? He only got left with a scar?

How many times did it take you to learn how to say Avada Kedavra?

Do you think the loss of your parents so tragically at such a young age (Thank you Rita Skeeter GOF) led you to become so reckless, emotionally and Psychologically retarded???

Is your animagus form a Ferret, Weasel or perhaps a Phoenix?

When you punish your Death Eaters, are you listening to the song 'That don't impress me much' By any chance?

Did you purposely pick a name which can have so many versions?  
Voldemort, Voldy-shorts, Mouldy-warts, Mouldy-Shorts…the list goes on.

For a certain Scarhead who doesn't want to die, why don't you define your phrase, 'I'm going to kill you' because your version doesn't seem to work.

Is green your natural skin colour? Or did someone sneeze on you as a kid?

Why did you touch Harry in the graveyard, paedophile!

_(My personal favourites)_

Do you know the muffin man?

Are you related to Shrek, or is that just a skin disease?

Can I call you "he-who-let-the-boy-survive?"

Can I call you, 'he who can't accept his own mediocrity?'

Worlds Greatest Occlumens, huh?  
Sort of missed Severus didn't you? Because he was DUMBLEDORE'S MAN through and through!!!!

How does it feel, getting owned by someone who still craps in their own pants?

Why on earth did you entrust part of your soul to a madwoman?

**SUGGESTED AND ADDED BY READERS**

"Did you ever consider using 'Immortal Love Rodd' instead of 'I am Lord Voldemort?"  
**Thanks to Kindali Sidera**

"Have you ever considered plastic surgery?"  
**Thank you Kelly, aka Lupinsstar**

"Have you been to the doctors? You need to SURGICLY remove that ugly face of yours!"  
**Thanks to Jasmine**

"Why do people call you Mouldy Shorts? Are they mean, or did someone look up your robes?"  
**Thankyou to Sapphire Moondust**

"Did you choose incompetant followers on purpose, or do you just have really screwed up lack?"  
**Thankyou LadyDomino**

"I bet you favorite class at Hogwarts was Transfiguration, wasn't it? You know it was, you just won't admit it."  
**Thanks Nyhteskye**

"Does male pattern baldness run in your family?"  
**Thanks** **Death Merchant**

"What kind of super-villan and/or dark lord can't kill a kid? Were you high or somthing voldy-kins?"  
**Thanks Tailow 7**

"You want Snape, don't you? Come on, just admit it..."  
"OH MERLIN, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR FACE? IT'S HORR--Oh, that is your face."  
"You're related to MJ, aren't you?"  
"Have you ever been laid? Ever?"  
"You're actually a cheerleader in disguise, aren't you?"  
**Thanks Sara Amethysta for all of these :D**

Have you ever considered growing a moustache? It might actually make you look  
threatening.  
Thats just my opinion... All the good villians have moustaches.  
**Thanks Watcher of the Moon**

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**Keep the Suggestions coming guys, and let the hilarity continue!**


	2. The list Continues

**Another Chapter you say? Adding to a list? I know, horrendous of me, but hopefully it'll alert some of you people who have alerted this, and will jog a few memories, because I would love for this list to expand even more. It's so much fun writing!**

**So, I own nothing, and here are some more questions that you definitely shouldn't be asking Voldemort!**

**………………**

I remember you were head boy. Something of a genius?  
Well then why the heck did you, in an attempt to become immortal, put part of your soul into Nagini, something that can die!

Tell me, how did it feel, for that one brief second, knowing that your beloved pet was 'nearly headless Nagini'?

Have you ever googled yourself, and was you disappointed at the image results? Lets face it, you're a bit fugly!

Remember when everything you ever achieved in life turned out to be an epic fail? Yes. Well, good. I never really had a question…

When Dumbledore died, did you lol?

I invited you to join the Harry Potter Appreciation Society on Facebook, but I am confused, why you haven't accepted it yet?

Did you ever consider putting a Horcrux inside a bottle of anal lube?

Remember when Harry killed you? Yeah, I do.

Harry kicked your ass with expelliarmus, but you realise that it was Snape that taught him the spell that was ultimately your downfall, right?

When you have a battle with Dumbledore next, remind me, because I'll need to put a bet on Chuck Norris to win. _(Sorry- Token Chuck Norris Joke FTW guys)_

Dumbledore consistently pointed out to you why you would never win.  
(the whole love thing) and practically hand-delivered Harry into your grasp, and yet still, how did you still to get the basic concepts of life? EPIC FAIL

Would you consider the possibility of a blind date? I know these positively charming women, Rita and Dolores.......

You spent a year on the back of Quirrells head, but did you close your eyes when he went to the loo?

You got a snake to kill Severus Snape. And then the snake got killed by Slongbottom. Your standards are slipping my lord!

Did you read 'DumbledoreIsNotDead . com and get scared?

**Contributed Questions**

'If your so secretive why did you give your diary to Lucius Malfoy? Hope you didn't write anything incriminating in there or everybody will know about it.'  
**Thanks to DitzyMinx!**


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